I am so super excited bc for xmas I donated my last vial to another SMC that I met on IG. She is currently in her TWW and I feel like it’s my own TWW in a way. For one, it she gets a BFP, E will get another half sibling. It is also the vial I thought I would use to give E a sibling but after years of deliberation decided against it. So many pros and cons, but on a teacher’s salary it is best that we remain a 2 person family. We will have a full life and E will get to join activities and go on nice vacations. It was a mix of relief and sadness giving it away bc now I know I am done having children. And I am relieved that I don’t have to think about it anymore. I pray that this mama gets her BFP! This TWW has been equally as excruciating as my own TWWs. One week down, one to go!


No more me-mes

I know this might totally shock some people but I nursed until my boy was done. It was very gentle. I just could not do it any other way. It was such a great connection for us after being separated all day by work and daycare. After two, we were just down to bedtime nursing. Once he was three, I started feeling like I was done. At one point it started feeling like nails on a chalkboard. By 3.5 he was just doing it out of habit. He didn’t need it at all. He would ask for it about twice a week. It would only last a minute or less. We started rubbing backs to sleep. That became enough. One day I just said to him, “You don’t need this anymore, you’re a big boy now.” He replied, “ok” and just rolled over to sleep. It was too easy! Then a week or so later he said, “Mama, I don’t need me-mes anymore! I’m a big boy!” I never realized that the last time would be our last time so that makes me a bit sad and a bit thankful. It just was what it was and we are done 3.75 years later! He even fell asleep sans back rub last night. 3 years ago I could have never imagined this day, but here we are!! Things are sweet and lovely, and my silly boy, though full of big emotions, is just everything I dreamed he would be! ❤️. Today we are off to see Daniel Tiger Live. (I think I prefer that to last months Monster Jam!) Being almost 4 is pretty amazing!

My school is F#$%ing nuts!

So I moved my son from his awesome daycare/preschool to the school where I work.  For starters,  it is much less driving and I get a super scholarship which makes it more than half the expense each month.  And it is a good school overall.  E ended up with a very young and brand new teacher.  She is sweet but really does not understand the true development of a 3 year old.  E was potty trained successfully the summer before school started and for whatever reason he refuses to go to the bathroom at school,  which has caused him to have chronic constipation all year (which magically cleared up during out 2.5 week break over Christmas).  About 2 weeks back into school in January,  he is struggling again.  What worked in the fall was having me pop over during my lunch break and taking him to the potty.  It worked like a charm.  But now they have asked me to back off so he can work on his communication skills.  I reluctantly backed off saying my fear was that if he had too many accidents without my support,  that they would ask him to take a leave as per the rigid and inflexible school rules.  And that is where we are now.  After his second accident (he has about one per week without my support and it is not a giant poop in his pants,  but simply a smear which kids with constipation cannot help at all…nor can they feel happen bc they have lost that sensation to poop).  I have sent the teachers articles and videos explaining what is happening to him,  which the admittedly did not watch or read.  I feel very frustrated b/c when I worked in that preschool,  we asked the parents to come support their child and that was sufficient.  We weren’t equipped to change pants,  so this is how we solved the problem.   Now they just kick families out,  which pediatricians say add so much stress to the situation that it exacerbates problem.  When I worked there,  we also had 1 teacher per classroom.  Now they have a teacher and an aide in every class with the same amount of students.  So there are more people and they still aren’t equipped and don’t have the time.  To boot,  they are adding a 2.5 year old class next year and they WILL be equipped to change diapers/undies.  But they still won’t help a 3 year old and me being right there on campus is not a suitable solution in their opinion (even though there is no logical reason why it is not). To me it seems very logical.  He has an accident,  text me,  I come change.  Problem solved.  Their issue of not being equipped is easily solved.  But no.  Not good enough.  A rule is a rule is a rule and I must be treated like everyone else.  It isn’t fair to the parent who works an hour away.  The other thing is,  I planned to send my child to my school through the 8th grade.  If he is asked to leave,  he will no longer be returning to my school which completely breaks my heart,  but I just can’t play ping-pong schools with his tender emotions (have I mentioned how sensitive this kid is?).  So here I am,  a frustrated single mama,  hoping that there is still a spot available in his old daycare so I don’t have to live in my car.  I am pissed.  I am frustrated.  My school has made my mental health suffer bc of their inability to be flexible (do I need to pull the single mama card?).  Here is an article and a video to help explain this type of constipation if you are at all interested.  It really is fascinating and can be super frustrating to a family if you are counting on these schools as daycare so you can actually make a living!



I am about to gross you out…..

I am about to gross most of you out,  but I have this weird philosophy that allowing my child to pick his nose and eat it has kept him healthier.  Think about it,  a booger is really just germs that your nose caught.  Snot typically goes down your throat anyway so a  booger is just snot with germs and dirt.  I really don’t care if E eats dirt and when you immunize your child,  you are giving them small amounts of a virus which to me is the same thing as eating a booger.  I tell E that he should not eat boogers in public bc people will most likely make fun of him,  but I can care less if he eats them elsewhere.  Honestly,  I really don’t care.  And as of mid-January,  E has not been sick once this entire school year.  I am sure I just jinxed myself (and I don’t care b/c I have accrued so many PTO days that I am kind of ready for a sick day). So there…I said it…I really don’t give a  flying hootenanny if E picks his nose as long as he knows there is a time and a place (same goes for using bad language).  So did I gross you out??

Here is an article to back up my hypothesis:

Holy Cow!

E and I have been a co-sleeping family from the get go.  That was not my intention,  but it is just how it happened.  When I turned his crib into a toddler bed,  he was excited to use it,  but chickened out each night.  I didn’t mind so much because I love being right next to my boy,  though some nights can get really uncomfortable when he decided to sleep sideways.  On those nights I would sneak out and sleep in the guest room.   We sold the crib last weekend and his twin bed has been in is room for a week.  Last night he asked to sleep in his room.  I figured it would end in the same results.  But it didn’t!!!  He fell asleep and I snuck off to my room and slept in my bed ALONE for the first time in 3.5 years!  I slept great though my listening ears were on all night.  E woke at 1:30 and asked for me to tuck him back in as the covers had fallen off.  He fell right back to sleep.  He woke at 7:45am and crawled into my bed for a snuggle,  but ultimately wanted to get downstairs to play with his favorite toys.  Who knows if this was just a freak thing or if we are starting a new era in our life.  Only time will tell but for now I am excited at the prospect at actually being able to watch TV in bed again (and not on my phone with headphones in).  My boy is growing up!

Selling baby stuff is harder than I thought

Last week I got a call from the clinic I used.  I have one vial left and I am 99.99999% sure I won’t be using it,  however I never planned to have one child when I was married.  I always imagined a large family and lots of love and laugher in my home.  When Chad died that all changed.  I am comfortable with one child and we can afford to travel and enjoy life.  If I had more than one,  things would be tight.  I surely wouldn’t be sitting here typing on a Sunday while my children played quietly.  E plays so nicely with his toys and has been trained to do his thing so mommy can get things done,  like cook dinner.  So emotionally and financially,  this is where we need to be.  I need to decide whether to keep my vial or say goodbye.  I think once I say goodbye,  I can relax.  I feel like it needs to be used,  but then I remind myself of all of the unused sperm in the world that ends up in a condom and then the trash.  Haha.  I suppose mine does not HAVE to be used,  but at $750 a literal pop,  I feel like trashing it is such a waste.  I also remind myself I would have paid a million dollars to have E,  so I guess it is just a matter of mindset.

Then last night I decided to see if I could sell E’s crib which he has never used.  It is a very expensive stuffed animal bed.  With all of the extra parts,  I paid over $750 for this thing.  I am selling it for half.  There are many more cribs on CL and mine is by far the highest price,  so I thought it would take forever to sell.  We are moving back to the house in just under 2 years,  so I was planning ahead.  But now someone is coming TODAY to pick it up.  My heart literally was crushed when I got the message that someone was interested.  I know once it is gone,  I will be fine,  but for now both E and I are finding this to be hard.  E keeps telling me that he is still a baby and needs it.  I feel horrible for getting rid of it but we just don’t use it except as a place for clean laundry and blankets and a pile of stuffies.  Anyway,  more emotional than I thought.

I am also selling all of my super nice pre-baby clothes.  I had really nice Patagonia and other sporty type pants and tops that I loved and barely used before I get pregnant.  I will never be that size again mainly b/c my hips have widened.  I am hoping to make some of the money back so I can buy new clothes!  But letting that part of me go has also been surprisedly difficult.  Right now I feel like I am saying goodbye forever to the pre-baby me and also to the idea of ever having another child.  I think if another child does come into our life,  it will be through adoption,  which is something I have always said I would do.  But I cannot even imagine that right now.  Life with E seems just perfect at the moment and I am finally sleeping again (though E seems to sleep better than I do).

We are approaching 3 1/2 in a couple of weeks here and though posting becomes more difficult (and less interesting),  I still love reading about the other mamas that I have followed during  the last 4 years.  I am so excited that one solo mum in particular is finally pregnant after an emotional 4 years of trying.  It just warms my heart.  I wish I lived closer to send her all of my things!  Sending good juju to all others who are trying.  It sure is a crazy ride!


Sad day

For years now I have been meaning to reconnect with one of my all time favorite former boyfriends.  I was 20 and in college in NJ. I was about to transfer to then U of Montana in Missoula. I met him on campus but he was 10 years older than me. Everything in my head told me not to date him but he turned out to be the nicest,  funniest and the most chivalrous of any boyfriend I had ever had.  He showered me with gifts and took my on vacations.  He always paid for dinner. We never really broke up…I moved to Montana and it ended.  He was not one to carry on a friendship with former girlfriends so we really fell out of touch. But he has been on my mind often since then. I don’t visit NJ much since my parents moved to NC 15 years ago.  I have been wanting to send him an xmas card annually so he could see Sweet E. I almost did last year.  He was not on FB and he did not have the same number that he had 20 years ago so there was really no way to get in touch other than snail mail.  Well this morning I was internet stalking him and I found his obituary.  He passed away last year.  I have no idea how or why.  But I am devastated that I never managed to reconnect.  Now it’s too late. I feel like a small piece of me has died.  He was really one my favorite humans. Super sad.  The moral of this story is if you have been meaning to reconnect with an old friend,  do it today :). I wish I had taken that opportunity.